“I can turn monsters into chocolate. I have a machine at home that does that. Because I have a wizard costume in my closet!”

Against my better judgment I’ve been reading Calvin & Hobbes with Andy. So far nothing horrible has come of it, but we have been reenacting the plots of certain strips. Andy’s favorite one goes like this [quotes are not exact]:

Calvin/Andy: Mom, can I set my mattress on fire?

Mom/Me: No, Calvin.

Calvin/Andy: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?

Mom/Me: No, Calvin.

Calvin/Andy: Can I have a cookie then?

Mom/Me: No, Calvin.

Calvin/Andy: She’s onto me!

Jay, however, had not been reading Calvin & Hobbes. Imagine his surprise, then, when he went in to say good-night to Andy and was asked, “Dad, can I set my mattress on fire?”

Oh and by the way, Andy points out that altough she is onto him (or, as Andy says, “into” him), Calvin’s mom is not completely smart, because she doesn’t know that Hobbes is actually alive!

For those of you keeping track, Andy does not need glasses. Take that, early childhood screening lady who had us all worried about the “two-line difference” from his vision screening!

Doctor: Hi there, bud!

Andy: What’s your address?

Doctor: What’s my address? … What’s your address?

Andy: [Tells him the number, but not the street.] But if you come for my birthday party, we won’t be at my house. We’ll be at Eagle’s Nest. Do you know where Eagle’s Nest is?

Doctor: Where is Eagle’s Nest?

Andy: Well, it’s near the Bee Movie.

Me [silently]: Huh??

Andy: So, you have to drive around, and when you see the sign with a bee on it, that’s where it is.

Every night we read Andy three stories at bedtime. I know that sounds like a lot, and it has been “gently suggested” to us that we should only read one, but hey, we are down from three plus one “optional” extra. And yet, Andy asks for an extra book almost every night.

Last night he asked me to read an extra story to his friend Spider-Bear, who was set up in his own little bed in the corner. I declined. Andy said, “No, for him!” I told Andy he could read Spider-Bear some stories after I left. (“But I can’t read yet!” “Well, look at the pictures with him then.”)

Of course Andy had to run downstairs to get a special reading chair. When I left his room, he announced gleefully, “I’m going to read Spider-Bear four stories!”

“I’m Outer Space Boy! I fight villains from other planets! Masked villains from Mercury I fight! I turn their planet into Pluto. And then they go, ‘Brrr! We’re freezing!’ And then I change into my secret identity: Black Squid Man! But that’s just my name; I don’t actually shoot black ink. I shoot purple ice! And it turns bad guys into toddlers. And they go, ‘Goo goo ga ga!’”

We were in the sun room and Andy wanted some of my Doritos. I told Andy that they were mine for snacking, and I did not want to share. Andy then decided to have some Cheez-Its. Sarah wanted some and Andy refused to let her have any. I told Andy that in this house we share. He came back with, “Well, you would not share your Doritos with me.” Sarah’s comment was, “Well, he got you there.”

Andy is examining a book about dinosaurs, and he found a picture showing a dinosaur’s organs. “Look! The liver looks like a hunk of cheese! And the heart looks like a potato!”

Andy: Last night I had a dream about a jelly roll. And it was rolling away, and I was trying to catch it and eat it, and I couldn’t catch it.

Me: Was that frustrating?

Andy: No, ask ‘How did that make you feel?’

Me: How did that make you feel?

Andy: Hungry!

P.S. I just realized why this struck me as slightly familiar when he said it: I think he was repeating a dialog from Arthur.

Andy was home with Jay for the day and he came in with this monster and told Jay that this was a monster from his dream

Andy and I were talking about a book we read last night, and I quoted one of my favorite lines from it: “The essence of a snowman is snow!” (I know it doesn’t sound like such a great line out of context. It was uttered with great feeling, though, by the story’s main character.)

Andy: What’s the essence of people?

Me: Uh…

Andy: I know! Organs! And you know what organs remind me of? Oregon!