Andy: I don’t believe in Santa Claus.

Me: What do you mean?

Andy: I mean, I don’t believe he exists. I don’t believe in presents from Santa Claus.

Me: But…you got presents from Santa, right?

Andy: Yeah, but I think they just appeared by magic.

“If Madame Geimer [his first-grade teacher] is hot, man, I am so going to love first grade!”

Against my better judgment, we’ve been letting Andy watch The Simpsons with us. This has prompted some awkward discussions (though not as many as if he were getting even half the references), including this morning’s. I was trying to explain why it’s not okay to spike someone’s drinking water with LSD.

Andy: What if it was a superhero and the hallucinations couldn’t hurt him?

Me: Well, even if the superhero didn’t mind so much, that drug that causes hallucinations is illegal.

Andy: What if I made a duplicate of myself and told the duplicate to make people have hallucinations? Then I’d be innocent and the duplicate would be guilty.

Me: The duplicate would be guilty, but so would you. It’s also illegal to…incite a duplicate to commit a crime.

Andy: What if I accidentally mind controlled someone to make people hallucinate?

Me: How do you accidentally mind control someone?

Andy: Like if I was just pretending to mind control them because I thought I didn’t really have mind control powers, but my mind control powers actually worked.

Me: Hmm. I don’t think there’s a legal precedent for that situation.

Andy: What’s a legal precedent?

And from there, the conversation turned boring.

Andy likes this one because it’s “live action”, and it “shows how the song was created.”

Andy and I were on our way to the Highland Park library for a French conversation circle.* Andy was asking whether there were kids’ computers at this library. I said I was pretty sure there were.

Andy: Well, I just saw a video on the computer in my brain, and it shows that there are no computers.

Me: Really? The video in my brain shows some computers there.

Andy: That’s because your brain’s computer was made by the Lies Company.

*Bo-ring! It was more of a very basic French lesson on how to ask yes-or-no questions. I was glad when Andy wandered away so I had an excuse to leave the table too.

Me (petting dog who has just come in from outside): I think it’s raining out. Super-Dog’s fur is wet.

Andy: Maybe he just peed.

Me: How could he pee on his own back?

Andy: Mutation. Maybe his penis mutated so it’s super stretchy so he could stretch it all the way around to his back.

Me: Andy, that comment is going on the blog.

Andy: Good.

At the S’More Fun parent (and kid) picnic today, Andy was looking at half a chocolate cookie he had eaten the other half of. It had the letters FUD on it, and Andy was speculating on what the full word had been.

Andy: Maybe it’s “fraud.” But that has an r in it.

Me: Yeah. I have another idea. Maybe it’s “fudge.” “Fudge” is spelled f-u-d-g-e, and it’s a kind of chocolate.

Andy: Nah. I think it’s “fraud,” but a kid wrote it and messed it up.

Me: Maybe…

Andy: Or maybe it’s German. What’s the German word for “fraud”?

Me: Um…I don’t know. I don’t think I know it in French either. Do you know it in French?

Andy: No. Oh wait, I bet it’s “grenud.”

Me: What?

Andy: The French word for frog is “grenouille,” so it would be like that but with a d.

“Sarah, pretend you’re an adult.”

I was trying to give Andy a good-night cuddle.

Andy: Sarah, your arm stubble* feels like a thousand bees stinging me at once!

Me: Sor-ry!

Andy: You can put your arm on top of the sheet.

*I don’t actually shave my arm hair.

Andy was introduced to the concept of an optical illusion on our recent trip to Park Rapids (pictures coming soon) when we saw apparent water on the road in the distance.

Andy: Jay, look! It’s an illusion!

Jay: Maybe I’m an illusion.

Andy: Jay. Illusions don’t have tattoos.