A Nailbitingly Divine Yodeller

Andy was dipping his napkin in his water glass and then sucking the water out of it.

Me: What are you doing, honey?

Andy: You know, Sarah, I basically never know what I’m doing.

“Mom, can I go to eye-fabricating school?”

“You know the old saying: Anything that kills you probably succeeds the second time.”

[Ed. note: Andy informed me that I misquoted him. The old saying is actually: "Anything that kills you probably succeeds with the second attempt."]

Andy was wearing a necklace made out of yarn and a cut-out circle of construction paper when I met him at the bus stop this afternoon.

Me: Hey, what’s that?

Andy: It’s my medal.

Me: Cool! What’d you get a medal for?

Andy: Being good.

Me: Oh, great!

Andy: Yeah, I’m in sixth grade now. I flunked kindergarten. I got banished from kindergarten, so that’s why I had to go to fifth grade.

(Note: Andy later clarified the meaning of the medal: “It’s an electricity people coming badge.”)

Andy’s superhero class met for the second time this morning. (It’s a community education thing, and I think they’re ultimately going to put on some kind of superhero play for the families.) His superhero: Poison Boy! As you might guess, Poison Boy can poison his enemies, but he also has other powers.

Poison Boy: I can shoot screws at bad guys!

Bad Guy [i.e., me]: Oh no!

Poison Boy: Yeah, I shoot them out of my butt!

Bad Guy: Eww! So they’re sharp and stinky?

Poison Boy: ["shoots screws" at me, luckily with his pants still up]

Bad Guy: Ew! The stench! The stench!

Poison Boy: That’s the stench of discovery.

“This game is ‘non-baseball’. That is, it is a kind of baseball. It just doesn’t have any bases. And this can be the base!”

Yesterday on the way from work to the bus stop I salvaged a foil balloon from the garbage for Andy. (In my defense, it was literally hovering above anything gross that might have been in there.) I carried it all the way to Andy’s daycare on the crowded bus because I thought he would like it. And he seemed to…until he hauled off and hit it with a pointy object, causing it to burst. It scared the heck out of both of us and caused poor Andy to cry uncontrollably for several minutes until he consoled himself with the prospect of “fixing it with tape” when we got home. The pointy object that caused all the trouble? A half-eaten pretzel.

Andy is now officially a bigger Twins fan than Jay or I because he has attended one Twins game! Andy’s daycare class went yesterday, and while they didn’t get to stay for the whole game, a good time was apparently had by all. His original report on the outing was unequivocal (“Great!”), but our follow-up questions led to somewhat confusing answers. Andy claims the Twins played the As, but the Star Tribune claims they played the Tigers. (Where would Andy have even heard of the As, though, if he was wrong? As he most likely was.) Also he claims that there was a bear playing baseball (possibly a tiger-costumed mascot?) and that someone — I’m not sure if he was referring to the kids or the team — was “in the forties.” We probably should have let it rest with “Great!”

For those of you keeping track, Andy does not need glasses. Take that, early childhood screening lady who had us all worried about the “two-line difference” from his vision screening!

Doctor: Hi there, bud!

Andy: What’s your address?

Doctor: What’s my address? … What’s your address?

Andy: [Tells him the number, but not the street.] But if you come for my birthday party, we won’t be at my house. We’ll be at Eagle’s Nest. Do you know where Eagle’s Nest is?

Doctor: Where is Eagle’s Nest?

Andy: Well, it’s near the Bee Movie.

Me [silently]: Huh??

Andy: So, you have to drive around, and when you see the sign with a bee on it, that’s where it is.

We were walking down the alley, and Andy noticed a garage with doors for two cars.

Andy: Mom, why does that garage have two…

Me: Two doors?

Andy: Why do people’s sons sometimes die?

Me: [silently]: Holy crap. [Out loud]: Well, people die sometimes…

Andy: So is that why the garage has room for two cars?

Me: Huh??

I never did figure out what the supposed connection was.